The NBA Dribbled Out

2012 NBA PREVIEW PACIFIC DIVISION:
TEAMS (in expected finishing order)
Los Angeles Lakers
Los Angeles Clippers
Phoenix Suns
Golden State Warriors
Sacramento Kings
FREE AGENT SIGNINGS/TRADES/RE-SIGNINGS:
Jason Kapono-LAL
Josh McRoberts-LAL
Troy Murphy-LAL
Darius Morris-LAL
Chris Paul-LAC
Chauncey Billups-LAC
Caron Butler-LAC
DeAndre Jordan-LAC
Grant Hill-Phoenix
Shannon Brown-Phoenix
Sebastian Telfair-Phoenix
Klay Thompson-GSW
Kwame Brown-GSW
Charles Jenkins-GSW
Brandon Rush-GSW
Jimmer Fredette-Sacramento
Marcus Thornton-Sacramento
John Salmons-Sacramento
J.J. Hickson-Sacramento
Travis Outlaw-Sacramento
Chuck Hayes-Sacramento
2012 OUTLOOK:
Oh boy did the Pacific division get rocked like a 9.0 Richter Scale earthquake along the San Andreas line. The Cippers, the CLIPPERS!, are the frontrunners for a lot of intelligent basketball people. Chris Paul’s addition throws the whole division on its head with the Lakers now chasing the Griffin and Paul “Lob City” destiny they have planned. Kobe is divorced…from his champion coach Phil Jackson and in his place is former LeBron burper Mike Brown and his defensive schemes. Kobe is not going to a happy guy this season. BUT BUT BUT—the Lakers will have a better regular season record than the Clippers. Kobe Bryant will make this so.
The Los Angeles Lakers still have Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol; two legitimate 7-footers that know their way around an NBA lane and can defend the basket. Bynum will not last the season without an injury. Pau will, but he may still be in a funk over the vetoed deal sending him to Houston. At least he bucked up more than Lamar did. That leaves Kobe Bryant, Metta World Peace, septuagenarian Derek Fisher  and new coach Mike Brown to lead the Lakers, and many feel like they can’t do it. Black Mamba LIVES to be underappreciated, and I think we’re gonna see a motivated Kobe that has one year left in the tank. Don’t be surprised when they sneak up on prognosticators and win the division over their city rivals with the new point guard. If anyone can do it, it’s Kobe.
Chris Paul, Blake Griffin and the “Lob City” Los Angeles Clippers have never been in the driver’s seat in LA. They’re not the Driver from Drive, and they’re unlikely to take the driver’s seat without a few bumps along the way. But who gives a shit when you can finally get excited about the Los Angeles Clippers again! There has been a lot written about how Chris Paul will fit in with returning ROY Blake Griffin, just re-signed DeAndre Jordan and another newcomer in Caron Butler, but this has the makings of a possible change of fortune for a Clippers franchise bamboozled by a racist turd of an owner and a string of injuries. If Chris Paul’s knee holds up all year, they’re gonna make a run in the playoffs. LA is a new basketball mecca, but this time it’s staring the Clippers. Get stoked fans.
Steve Nash is Canadian, so people shouldn’t be surprised he hasn’t publicly called on tightwad owner Robert Sarver to trade him to a contender. He’s too nice to make demands like that—all Canadians are nice (Rachel McAdams is a sweetheart). Nash’s Suns are perpetually stuck with a poor supporting cast in Phoenix. Nash isn’t getting any younger, and even with his fruit and vegetable heavy diet plan and extensive core exercises, it won’t change the fact Phoenix isn’t gonna do much in the playoffs, but they will make the playoffs—maybe. Aside from their former MVP at PG, the Suns boasts former Dwight Howard back-up Marcin Gortat (an excellent and underrated big man), Josh Childress back from Europe (one of 3 shooting guards), Channing Frye and returning veteran Grant Hill. They’ll be good, but not great, which is a shame because Nash deserves great and so does the city of Phoenix.
Normally, I’d say the GSW Warrior back-court of Stephen Curry and Monta Ellis would be enough to make them a challenge in any regular season game, but Curry is having ankle problems again, and Monta Ellis might be in hotter water than he was with the Moped incident after signing his first big contract with Golden State in 2008. He’s reportedly involved in sending a graphic photo of himself to a GSW employee. STOP SENDING DICK PICS OUT PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES! That’s not a good sign for a team that had been in Chris Paul contention this off-season. They only have David Lee to provide any sort of offense in their front-court and if Curry’s injuries hobble him and Ellis is sued or distracted by sexual harassment charges, then they may finish even worse than second to last in the suddenly strong Pacific Division.
Demarcus Cousins is crazy. Tyreke Evans might be even crazier. Jimmer Fredette might provoke the kind of crazy in Kings fans that will lead to a restraining order and a bunny boiler in a crock pot. So the Kings are crazy, which suits their perpetually broke, partying owners the Las Vegas. The busted (financially) Maloof brothers are still trying to get the Sacramento public to finance a new stadium so they’re not giving $20 handjobs off the Meth boats in the Sac harbor. John Salmons and J.J. Hickson were alright signings this off-season and they may be good crazy, but right now they just seem crazy crazy, and that could mean more internal fireworks rather than a good team. 
pic via the Orange County Register

2012 NBA PREVIEW PACIFIC DIVISION:

TEAMS (in expected finishing order)

  • Los Angeles Lakers
  • Los Angeles Clippers
  • Phoenix Suns
  • Golden State Warriors
  • Sacramento Kings

FREE AGENT SIGNINGS/TRADES/RE-SIGNINGS:

  • Jason Kapono-LAL
  • Josh McRoberts-LAL
  • Troy Murphy-LAL
  • Darius Morris-LAL
  • Chris Paul-LAC
  • Chauncey Billups-LAC
  • Caron Butler-LAC
  • DeAndre Jordan-LAC
  • Grant Hill-Phoenix
  • Shannon Brown-Phoenix
  • Sebastian Telfair-Phoenix
  • Klay Thompson-GSW
  • Kwame Brown-GSW
  • Charles Jenkins-GSW
  • Brandon Rush-GSW
  • Jimmer Fredette-Sacramento
  • Marcus Thornton-Sacramento
  • John Salmons-Sacramento
  • J.J. Hickson-Sacramento
  • Travis Outlaw-Sacramento
  • Chuck Hayes-Sacramento

2012 OUTLOOK:

Oh boy did the Pacific division get rocked like a 9.0 Richter Scale earthquake along the San Andreas line. The Cippers, the CLIPPERS!, are the frontrunners for a lot of intelligent basketball people. Chris Paul’s addition throws the whole division on its head with the Lakers now chasing the Griffin and Paul “Lob City” destiny they have planned. Kobe is divorced…from his champion coach Phil Jackson and in his place is former LeBron burper Mike Brown and his defensive schemes. Kobe is not going to a happy guy this season. BUT BUT BUT—the Lakers will have a better regular season record than the Clippers. Kobe Bryant will make this so.


The Los Angeles Lakers still have Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol; two legitimate 7-footers that know their way around an NBA lane and can defend the basket. Bynum will not last the season without an injury. Pau will, but he may still be in a funk over the vetoed deal sending him to Houston. At least he bucked up more than Lamar did. That leaves Kobe Bryant, Metta World Peace, septuagenarian Derek Fisher  and new coach Mike Brown to lead the Lakers, and many feel like they can’t do it. Black Mamba LIVES to be underappreciated, and I think we’re gonna see a motivated Kobe that has one year left in the tank. Don’t be surprised when they sneak up on prognosticators and win the division over their city rivals with the new point guard. If anyone can do it, it’s Kobe.

Chris Paul, Blake Griffin and the “Lob City” Los Angeles Clippers have never been in the driver’s seat in LA. They’re not the Driver from Drive, and they’re unlikely to take the driver’s seat without a few bumps along the way. But who gives a shit when you can finally get excited about the Los Angeles Clippers again! There has been a lot written about how Chris Paul will fit in with returning ROY Blake Griffin, just re-signed DeAndre Jordan and another newcomer in Caron Butler, but this has the makings of a possible change of fortune for a Clippers franchise bamboozled by a racist turd of an owner and a string of injuries. If Chris Paul’s knee holds up all year, they’re gonna make a run in the playoffs. LA is a new basketball mecca, but this time it’s staring the Clippers. Get stoked fans.

Steve Nash is Canadian, so people shouldn’t be surprised he hasn’t publicly called on tightwad owner Robert Sarver to trade him to a contender. He’s too nice to make demands like that—all Canadians are nice (Rachel McAdams is a sweetheart). Nash’s Suns are perpetually stuck with a poor supporting cast in Phoenix. Nash isn’t getting any younger, and even with his fruit and vegetable heavy diet plan and extensive core exercises, it won’t change the fact Phoenix isn’t gonna do much in the playoffs, but they will make the playoffs—maybe. Aside from their former MVP at PG, the Suns boasts former Dwight Howard back-up Marcin Gortat (an excellent and underrated big man), Josh Childress back from Europe (one of 3 shooting guards), Channing Frye and returning veteran Grant Hill. They’ll be good, but not great, which is a shame because Nash deserves great and so does the city of Phoenix.

Normally, I’d say the GSW Warrior back-court of Stephen Curry and Monta Ellis would be enough to make them a challenge in any regular season game, but Curry is having ankle problems again, and Monta Ellis might be in hotter water than he was with the Moped incident after signing his first big contract with Golden State in 2008. He’s reportedly involved in sending a graphic photo of himself to a GSW employee. STOP SENDING DICK PICS OUT PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES! That’s not a good sign for a team that had been in Chris Paul contention this off-season. They only have David Lee to provide any sort of offense in their front-court and if Curry’s injuries hobble him and Ellis is sued or distracted by sexual harassment charges, then they may finish even worse than second to last in the suddenly strong Pacific Division.

Demarcus Cousins is crazy. Tyreke Evans might be even crazier. Jimmer Fredette might provoke the kind of crazy in Kings fans that will lead to a restraining order and a bunny boiler in a crock pot. So the Kings are crazy, which suits their perpetually broke, partying owners the Las Vegas. The busted (financially) Maloof brothers are still trying to get the Sacramento public to finance a new stadium so they’re not giving $20 handjobs off the Meth boats in the Sac harbor. John Salmons and J.J. Hickson were alright signings this off-season and they may be good crazy, but right now they just seem crazy crazy, and that could mean more internal fireworks rather than a good team. 

pic via the Orange County Register